Pizza Defends Self, Disarms Assailant!
Succumbs to Second Assault with Better Weapons.

Round Table Pizza, intersection of Glenn Ranch Road
and Portola Parkway in Foothill Ranch, California, 3 June 2009.

Click any photo for double-size version.

Approaching the crime scene

Entering the premises

Choice of weapons: metal or plastic

Which choice looks better for a frontal assault?

Fork width: plastic wins

Knife teeth: plastic wins

The victim arrives. (Small, pepperoni, hand-tossed crust, piping-hot, with ice-cold Mountain Dew as innocent bystander)

The attack begins! And the pizza is already fighting back! Just halfway through the first slice, its heat is softening and warping the fork’s tines badly, making it difficult to push the fork into the pizza!

Beginning the second slice, the pizza fights back even harder! The knife’s teeth are softening and squashing down into ineffective nubbins!

Close-up of the photo to the left. Just look at the knife’s demolished teeth between the pepperoni and the cheese blob! (click any photo to enlarge 2x)

By the end of the second slice, the weapons are neutralized. The fork is laughably unusable.

Close-up of the photo to the left. This knife can’t cut pizza any more. (click any photo to enlarge 2x)

The determined assailant continues to wield his worn and weary weapons, and finishes a third slice... very slowly.

Close-up of the photo to the left. (click any photo to enlarge 2x)
At this point the assailant realizes that he is disarmed, so he grabs the metal utensils and finishes off the pizza while it’s still hot.

Mug Shot: Before and After.

Mug Shot: Before and After.